Axon's Automotive Anorak: Creating the perfect Christmas car

For this Festive season, I’ve done precisely this, selecting various qualities and attributes from a number of cars that I’ve either driven, owned or admired (or otherwise) over the years to create the ultimate, bespoke Mr. Roast Potato Head car.

My ideal car would mix the finest elements of a number vehicles and mash them all up into one truly exceptional machine that in truth would probably be undriveable and look like Frankenstein’s monster! However, it’s the Festive season, so my ‘ideal’ car is a compete work of fiction, and would include the following vital elements…

-Wearing the most stylish bonnet badge: Alfa Romeo (icon, gorgeous, and sums up Alfa Romeo perfectly, even though it does depict a man being swallowed by a serpent, an emblem of the Italian Visconti family for more than 1,000 years!)

-Best motoring logo: Maserati trident: (simple and elegant, based on the Fountain of Neptune’s trident in Bologna's Piazza Maggiore; Maserati’s home town)

-Best sounding engine: Matra V12 (ear-splittingly loud, but an aural pleasure worth shattering your eardrums for)

-Ideal engine: Alfa Romeo 3.0 V6 (oh the fun, but it will need the reliability of a Honda motor!)

-Best handling: Lancia Delta Integrale EVO (or Lotus Exige S1) (a 1960s Mini Cooper S, a 70s Alfasud Ti or 80s Peugeot 205 GTi take some beating, but for me the Lancia (and Lotus) has the edge for simple twisty B-road pleasure)

-Biggest grin factor to drive: Citroen Mehari (on a twisty road, ideally downhill, the roly poly wind-in-the-year Mehari will bring sheer joy to every motoring adventure)

-Best way to scare yourself silly at speed: Lancia Stratos (or Bond Bug!) (every corner a thrill – or a costly disaster, depending on your driving skills and fear factor)

-Most fun way of setting off speed cameras (on a private road, naturally!): McLaren F1 (sensational, and all in a clever, compact package)

-Greatest sense of occasion: Rolls-Royce Phantom VII (wonderfully wafty; you know you’ve arrived)

-Best way to arrive in style: Monteverdi 375L Berlinette (graceful, classy, elegant, discerning, discrete, mysterious…)

-Best way to stop traffic in its tracks: 1938 Delahaye 145 V12 Coupe by Chapron (majestic and stunning)

-Best car to make passersby smile: AMC Pacer X (difficult not to crack a smile when a chubby, happy-looking Pacer waddles by)

-Best motoring cure for insomnia: Toyota Prius (any) ( (yawn, I’m struggling to keep my eyes open)

-Best car for none-car enthusiasts: Daewoo Nubira (unforgivably dull, instantly forgettable and moved motoring along at the pace of a stuffed deceased tortoise)

-Best none-UK market car to import from far, far away: IKA-Renault Torino TS Coupe from Argentina (or the Momo Mirage from the USA) (both attractive V8 coupes that never made it over to Europe, despite both being styled in Italy)

-Best steering: Citroen SM (more direct than a go-kart, with less than one turn lock-to-lock, and an automatic return to dead straight. Though now almost 50 years old, the SM’s steering still shames all other cars that have followed in its tracks).

-Most comfortable ride: Citroen GS (a four-wheeled magic carpet that won’t turn the passengers green – unless it’s with envy)

-Best off-road: Land Rover Series 3 90 (the ideal machine for when the going gets really rough)

-Best car in which to follow a bright star leading to a crib in a manger: Mercedes-AMG G63 6x6 (or Citroen 2CV Sahara if not in a rush) (a go-anywhere Tonka Toy for the desert)

-Best side profile shape: Alfa Romeo Tipo 33 Stradale (low, curvaceous, sexy)

-Ultimate aerodynamic shape: CD Peugeot LM67 (a slippery record drag coefficient of cd 0.17 wrapped in a thrilling and dramatic form, finished off by those astonishing twin tall tail fins – able to exceed 150 mph with just 1,100cc on hand!)

-Best looking car in plan view: Lancia Stratos Group 4 (dramatic with a dart-like shape)

-Best all-round visibility: Range Rover 3-door (or the Quasar-Unipower!) (on a clear day, you can see all-around forever)

-Best alloy wheels: Bugatti Type 50 (or Renault 5 Gordini/Alpine) (hewn-from-solid style, and easy to keen clean)

-Best external rear view mirrors: Citroen CX 2 (pleasingly aerodynamic, and cool enough to adorn the McLaren F1, Aston Martin Vantage, Lotus Esprit S3, TVRs, plus many other sports cars long after CX production ended)

-Best exterior door handles: Lamborghini Miura (the handles are cunningly incorporated into the stylish cooling slates for the mid-mounted V12 engine)

-Best rear spoiler: Saab 99 Turbo (a more subtle but equally effective aerodynamic aid than the larger, more overt appendages stuck to the back of a Porsche 930 Turbo, Ford Sierra Cosworth three-door or Subaru Impreza P1)

-Best tailgate solution: Simca 1300/1500 Break (a wind-down rear window, incorporated into a drop-down lower tailgate, years before the Range Rover)

-Most ingenious spare wheel storage: Bristol 411 (with the spare wheel tucked away securely, cleanly and safely behind the front wing – with the battery stowed on the opposite side – the handful of fortunate Bristol owners with a flat tyre enjoy ultimate practicality with minimal inconvenience) 

-Most practical: Tissier Citroen CX 6-wheeler ‘Penthouse’: (a huge flat floor load bed, self-levelling suspension, outstanding mile-munching ability, immense style; even a comfy double bed if needed!)

-Most sensible: Fiat Panda 4x4 MK I (realistically all the car anyone could ever need as a useable daily runabout. Will go anyway, and in classless style to boot)

-Best steering wheel: 1978 Aston Martin Lagonda S1 (a small diameter Citroen-esque single spoke wheel, handcrafted in the finest leathers)

-Best ergonomics: Saab 900 MK I (a model of clarity with a logical form following a very logical function)

-Best cupholder: Saab 9-5 (it twirls out of the dash like a graceful ballerina)

-Best Infotainment/Sat Nav: Tesla Model S (big, clear, effective)

-Best seat design: Lancia Beta Trevi (simple, elegant, stylish, but flat and not very supportive on the twisty bits)

-Most comfortable seats: Saab 9000 Aero (cosseting podules, as if plucked from a space sci-fi movie)

-Best for wearing a top hat in: Mitsubishi Minica Toppo ‘Town Bee’ (a very high roof on a very small car)

-Best sun visors: Matra-Bonnet Djet (see-through amber-coloured framed plastic, like a cool pair of 1960s shades)

-Best headlining: 1960 PF Ferrari 400 SuperAmerica (it’s those pleats)

-Best in the snow: Santa’s Sleigh (need I say more…)

Well, those are the vital ingredients for my perfect car! What about yours? Here’s wishing you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.